Soul Suicide: The dishonest logic, that convinces one that every thought, every motivation, idea, or drive is unrealistic, unworthy…even ridiculous (the who am I to think I could accomplish this). It’s the stifling of creativity because of fear. And each denial of one’s potential is like committing a small suicide of the soul.
Prepping and working on “Reset for Women,” has been difficult at times. Staying focused on the present can be a challenge. There are moments in this process when I really question myself (especially in learning web design). At other times, I just jump way too far ahead and start focusing on the big picture (the end result), which can cause me to just shut down and doubt what I’m even trying to do.
But I’ve persevered.
I was one of five children in my family growing up, and one of the four of those five that dropped out of high school. It was my husband who encouraged me to go to college (he’s an overachiever with two doctorates). When I first started college I wouldn’t allow him to read any of my papers. I had no confidence. Over time I trusted him to peek into my life, my work, and my world through the lens of my writing. Trusting him empowered me to become better. He would guide me through some minor errors I was consistently making, and praise me for the quality of the content. I’d written a piece about standing in the welfare line as a single mom because I couldn’t afford to purchase health insurance for my daughters through my work and needed to apply for Medical. The essay expressed my desperate desire to set myself apart from the other people at the Social Services office. Doug proudly shared that paper with friends one night over dinner back when we were dating. I loved writing, and his pride helped inspire my desire and boost my confidence in my ability. But I found that the fire could easily be put out when I let self doubt become a prevalent part of my thought process.
I wrote a piece called “Soul Suicide” after I had let fear stop me from doing what I loved too many times.
This year I had a lot of things I needed to write about to heal (see previous blogs and About page) and it came much easier to me. I didn’t back off, retreat or give up. One of the biggest challenges came in web design. Not really knowing much about it I started getting so wrapped up in viewing other sites and second guessing what I was doing that I started to become paralyzed again. This young pastor told me “ to let God control the outcomes.” Basically do what I’m able to do, and let go of what I can’t control. The questions like, “What if no one reads my blog” shift when I just write what’s in my heart because I need to. We never know whose lives we touch or when they need what we have to offer…so I’m putting it out there. Writing because I need to write. Reading because I need to read… Hoping others need to hear what I have to say and somehow it touches the lives of someone and makes a difference.