Soul Suicide vs. Letting God Control the Outcomes!

Soul Suicide:  The dishonest logic, that convinces one that every thought, every motivation, idea, or drive is unrealistic, unworthy…even ridiculous (the who am I to think I could accomplish this).  It’s the stifling of creativity because of fear.  And each denial of one’s potential is like committing a small suicide of the soul.

Prepping and working on “Reset for Women,” has been difficult at times. Staying focused on the present can be a challenge.  There are moments in this process when I really  question myself (especially in learning web design). At other times,  I just jump way too far ahead and start focusing on the big picture (the end result), which can cause me to just shut down and doubt what I’m even trying to do.

But I’ve persevered.

I was one of five children in my family growing up,  and one of the four of those five that dropped out of high school.  It was my husband who encouraged me to go to college (he’s an overachiever with two doctorates).  When I first started college I wouldn’t allow him to read any of my papers.  I had no confidence.  Over time I trusted him to peek into my life, my work, and my world through the lens of my writing.  Trusting him empowered me to become better.  He would guide me through some minor errors I was consistently making, and praise me for the quality of the content.  I’d written a piece about standing in the welfare line as a single mom because I couldn’t afford to purchase health insurance for my daughters through my work and needed to apply for Medical.  The essay expressed my desperate desire to set myself apart from the other people at the Social Services office.  Doug proudly shared that paper with friends one night over dinner back when we were dating.  I loved writing, and his pride helped inspire my desire and boost my confidence in my ability.  But I found that the fire could easily be put out when I let self doubt become a prevalent part of my thought process.

I wrote a piece called “Soul Suicide” after I had let fear stop me from doing what I loved too many times.  

This year I had a lot of things I needed to write about to heal (see previous blogs and About page)  and it came much easier to me.  I didn’t back off, retreat or give up. One of the biggest challenges came in web design.  Not really knowing much about it I started getting so wrapped up in viewing other sites and second guessing what I was doing that I started to become paralyzed again.  This young pastor told me “ to let God control the outcomes.” Basically do what I’m able to do, and let go of what I can’t control.  The questions like, “What if no one reads my blog” shift when I just write what’s in my heart because I need to.  We never know whose lives we touch or when they need what we have to offer…so I’m putting it out there.  Writing because I need to write. Reading because I need to read… Hoping others need to hear what I have to say and somehow it touches the lives of someone and makes a difference.

2 Replies to “Soul Suicide vs. Letting God Control the Outcomes!”

  1. This is so me. Never having the true confidence to do what I want. Feeling stuck and bored. Mostly due to the need of a certain income. Funny thing is I’ve been living this way for so long I don’t even know what I like anymore. All the things I used to like have fallen away for some reason or another. Now life is just one big boring routine.

    1. Tobie, Thank you for reading and replying to my blog . My hope is that others find themselves in the story, are inspired, and then recognize that we all can change that trajectory of self-doubt. I hope you will think of at least one thing you’ve always wanted to do and give it a shot. In writing a blog, I always hope that it will reach someone and be words they need to hear, but heck, sometimes I’m not sure it’s even read. But I haven’t let that stop me. I’m writing it because it’s in me and needs to come out. I hope you’ll step outside of the routine you described and explore again. I use to think it had to be big; if I write and no one reads it…was it worth writing? The answer is yes! I didn’t always know that, but I do now. I write for the love of it and the healing effect on my own soul. It’s hard to push trough self-doubt…but remember no one is really watching and the rewards on the others side are freeing. There’s a great book out there called “What should I do with my life” by Po Bronson. In that book he interviews all kinds of people who take big risks and completely change their paths. I’m not that bold (and I love my life), but it’s inspiring for those seeking that boldness. Best wishes.

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