Author: Linda Riddle

My husband does executive education and works with leaders all over the world.  In his company’s leadership development programs they often use a tool called the 360 degree feedback tool.  That tool gathers information from subordinates, peers, and superiors about a person’s performance as a leader through these individuals and groups experience of them at work.  The  job of the executive coach is to give feedback; the good, the bad and and ugly about how they are doing in their role as a leader.  This can be good news and also painful to hear news that the individual needs in order to have a realistic view of their performance and to make needed changes to improve.  Without the information and a plan to execute it little change would occur.

My husband shared years ago with me his company’s philosophy for delivering this news as “totally honest/ totally kind”  and that stuck with me.  I’ve relied on this over and over as a teacher, leader, boss, family member and friend.  One incident that comes to mind is a young man who came to work on our team as a Special Education Aide.  It was his first job.  He started off strong and eager to please.  But I don’t know if he was burning the candle at both ends, working a second job or if his true nature just started to shine through.  More and more often he was found texting on his cell phone or checking facebook while he was supposed to be a role model working with a student or group of special needs students.  The final straw for me was one day during my math class, he laid his head down on the desk while being responsible for a small group relying on him to lead the lesson.  As students rotated through the three stations, each group found him in a new position: head down on his crossed arms-face to the table, arm stretched across the table, head lying on it on  and so on.  I had to keep asking him to sit up. Before we let him go (he still had substitute status) he decided to move on to a new job site.

Months later he asked us if he could come back.  He was a likable person, and my teammates were willing to give him another chance.  I wasn’t interested.  My vice principal was a friend of this young man’s and encouraged me to let him return. I expressed my objections to the VP and somehow although I had asked that it be confidential (not saying it wasn’t), that young man showed up in my classroom that same day to talk to me about returning.

Being put on the spot,  I could have been irritated about the confidentiality request being broken, or just told the young man how it was…which is what ended up happening (using what I had learned from my husband’s work at Center for Creative Leadership (CCL)).  The young man asked me about returning and I shared that I was reluctant.   I gave him the opportunity to learn why, but made it clear  it was his choice.  I wouldn’t force the bad news on him.  He expressed that he  wanted to know.  “Totally honest/ totally kind.”  I didn’t need to give him the bad news in a way that expressed irritation, dislike, or that he was less than due to his past behavior.  I shared with him the reasons I was reluctant, citing examples. I shared with him about how strongly he had started off and how pleased we were initially with his enthusiasm and willingness to learn.  I also shared the ways in which he had let us and the students he had joined our team to serve down.  I was kind and honest. We talked about his cell phone usage, facebook checking, lack of engagement with students and then the final straw of lying down while he was suppose to be co-teaching a math lesson. I checked in with him regularly (reading his body cues) as to whether he would like to continue and he expressed that he would.  Never was there a time when the bad news became a personal attack on character.

Another thing I learned from CCL when I went through their leadership development program was, SBI…Situation, Behavior and Impact. We stuck to the facts of the behavior and their impact on the role he was there to fulfill.  When we ended he had a clear understanding of what had gone wrong, I understood what he liked about our site and team and why he wanted to return and we came to an agreement about what the standard was that he would be held to if he chose to return.  After consideration, we got word that he’d chosen not to return.  Our team has a reputation for being innovators and for delivering a special education program that  we, our site and our district take a lot of pride in.  He made the choice that was right for him.

These tools from CCL have applications not only  in our work, but also in  our relationships with family, friends and our children.  Withholding our emotions or letting our frustrations get personal can have harmful effects on relationships

John Gottman (The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work), was able to predict with over 94% accuracy whether a marriage would last or not and one of the tools used was observing how couples fight and how they make up.  Turning the bad news into a personal attack on another’s character  was an  indicator that things weren’t going to work out so well. The mode of delivery matters.

Similarly, withholding our feelings about what makes us upset and not processing it can be just as harmful.  In an article in Psychology Today on Emotional Fitness,  Dr. Barton Goldsmith states,  “When we choose to bury our feelings, we act differently. We may not make ourselves available to others and may withdraw, or just not be fully engaged when we do spend time with other people. …. When you express how you really feel (in an appropriate manner), problems get solved, relationship issues get resolved, and life is easier.”

Life is better when we have authentic encounters.  Withholding the bad news for an employee is also withholding the keys to growth for them.  When we understand what went wrong, we’re empowered to make needed change. Total honesty/ Total kindness doesn’t mean we express every personal grievance and pour out all of our thoughts and feelings…but it’s a powerful tool for examining our own motives and for sharing those things that allow us to develop and nurture authentic and meaningful relationships.

I’m not always good at these things, but knowing them and attempting to practice them is  a step in the right direction.  As my family struggles to recover from the grief of the past year, we’re all realing in how to connect and care for ourselves and one another.  It’s not easy.   None  of us anticipated finding our lives taking such a tragic turn so swiftly. And as our families grow and expand, it becomes more difficult to find the time to nurture and maintain relationships. Assuming the best of others, sharing what we’re going through when we’re able, listening and practicing patience for one another are tools that can help see us through this time of heartache.  Honesty coupled with  kindness can go hand in hand.

 

Don’t Bury Your Feelings: Psychology Today

I can see why some people have a hard time wrapping themselves around the idea of retirement.  I’m three school days away from summer break and my calendar goes from slammed to empty all in one day. Frankly,(while I get excited about it) it also kind of freaks me out.  Last night, I threw a great party for a friend of mine and had another one at school for my graduates yesterday. I’ve been scrambling about writing end of the year plans, cleaning my classroom, doing grades, etc..  Adrenaline is constantly coursing through my veins.  My new Apple watch regularly interrupts my busyness to tell me to breath.  

When I’m at work, I often think about just wanting more time to myself and how I wish I could stay home more and enjoy my house.  But now I’m here, and I don’t know how to be still.  The party is over and I’ve been moving about non-stop cleaning, washing, putting things away, and everywhere I go (garage, bedroom, backyard)  I get distracted by another thing to do.  Now I’m ready for a rest,  for fun, and I have time. The deal is, I haven’t trained myself very well to slow down.  I use to wake up every morning and stretch out across the sofa, cup of coffee in hand and  look out over the mountains and the valley.  I wasn’t there long, but it was a pause.  But now from the time the alarm goes off at 6:00am until I stop myself around 9 or 10pm, I’m full speed.

So now this 2 month break is days away and I need it.  It’s been the hardest year of my life.  And I want it.  My fear is that I will fill it with things like cleaning the garage, or television.  That somehow it will pass and I will have missed it.  I don’t want to miss it.  My plan for making sure I don’t is to schedule and fill my calendar again, but with  different kinds of activities than during the school year.  I have friends I want to hang out with,  stories to share, and books to read.  I want to sit quietly and journal overlooking the ocean. I want to ride my bike, paddle board,  and take vacations with my husband Doug and be present.  That’s the thing.  I want to be present…not just for summer, but for all of my days.  For that to happen, I need to learn how to be still sometimes.  I started meditating about a year ago.  I love it, but when I need it most, I’m not very good at acting on it.  I learned in a training this year the phrase, that “practice doesn’t make perfect,” but that “practice makes permanent.”  So all the things I love, the things that help create meaning, peace, more joy and wellness in my life… summertime is practice time.  Practice with the hope that when life’s demands start flying at me again, new habits will be ingrained and permanent.  I’m not naive.  I know stress and demands will resurface…but practicing the tools to manage them now is my best hope for building wellness as a lifetime habit.

I just got a text from a friend and staff member Maggie, thanking me for flowers and a card we gave her at our team meeting this morning, honoring her upcoming graduation.  She thanked me for recognizing her and for encouraging her to celebrate her hard work.

Maggie is a single mom, like I was, putting herself through college while trying to raise her children and earn a living.  I’ve been there and I know how much sacrifice has gone into accomplishing this milestone.  She didn’t have plans to attend her graduation ceremony and I’ve been encouraging her to go. She had downplayed the importance since it’s “just” community college ,and her Associated Degree, and no one would really want to sit there for two hours.  It’s not “Just”!  Maggie has two kids, a daughter in high school and a 4th grade son who have also sacrificed time with mom, home cooked meals, clean laundry…who knows what else, while she persevered.  Excelled would be more accurate.  Her kids deserve a celebration too (even if it is two hours in the hot sun).

Maggie explained that her family doesn’t make a big deal of these things.  Like when she ran her first half marathon (Maggie has a crap load of medals now for all her her half marathons and Tough Mudder challenges…it’s impressive) but her dad didn’t acknowledge that when she called to share what she was so proud of.  He just compared his cleaning of the upstairs with her half marathon big day.  My parents were that way as well.  Maybe that’s how four out of their five children ended up dropping out of high school.  No one was emphasizing the things that really matter in life.

Maggie is off to San Diego State University soon and that’s a big deal too.  Today she ordered her tickets for graduation.  I’m so proud of her. She was moved that we didn’t let her big day go by without recognition and decided she wouldn’t either. She’s worked really hard for this day and it’s an injustice to not let it shine the way it deserves to in her life.  So between now and June 7th, I hope Maggie will pause.  Take a look back, reread her favorite college essay, think about her favorite moments and teachers.  Contemplate her challenges ,and the way she has risen to overcome them. And then celebrate all that has gone into this moment before it passes into the next.  Congratulations!

Soul Suicide:  The dishonest logic, that convinces one that every thought, every motivation, idea, or drive is unrealistic, unworthy…even ridiculous (the who am I to think I could accomplish this).  It’s the stifling of creativity because of fear.  And each denial of one’s potential is like committing a small suicide of the soul.

Prepping and working on “Reset for Women,” has been difficult at times. Staying focused on the present can be a challenge.  There are moments in this process when I really  question myself (especially in learning web design). At other times,  I just jump way too far ahead and start focusing on the big picture (the end result), which can cause me to just shut down and doubt what I’m even trying to do.

But I’ve persevered.

I was one of five children in my family growing up,  and one of the four of those five that dropped out of high school.  It was my husband who encouraged me to go to college (he’s an overachiever with two doctorates).  When I first started college I wouldn’t allow him to read any of my papers.  I had no confidence.  Over time I trusted him to peek into my life, my work, and my world through the lens of my writing.  Trusting him empowered me to become better.  He would guide me through some minor errors I was consistently making, and praise me for the quality of the content.  I’d written a piece about standing in the welfare line as a single mom because I couldn’t afford to purchase health insurance for my daughters through my work and needed to apply for Medical.  The essay expressed my desperate desire to set myself apart from the other people at the Social Services office.  Doug proudly shared that paper with friends one night over dinner back when we were dating.  I loved writing, and his pride helped inspire my desire and boost my confidence in my ability.  But I found that the fire could easily be put out when I let self doubt become a prevalent part of my thought process.

I wrote a piece called “Soul Suicide” after I had let fear stop me from doing what I loved too many times.  

This year I had a lot of things I needed to write about to heal (see previous blogs and About page)  and it came much easier to me.  I didn’t back off, retreat or give up. One of the biggest challenges came in web design.  Not really knowing much about it I started getting so wrapped up in viewing other sites and second guessing what I was doing that I started to become paralyzed again.  This young pastor told me “ to let God control the outcomes.” Basically do what I’m able to do, and let go of what I can’t control.  The questions like, “What if no one reads my blog” shift when I just write what’s in my heart because I need to.  We never know whose lives we touch or when they need what we have to offer…so I’m putting it out there.  Writing because I need to write. Reading because I need to read… Hoping others need to hear what I have to say and somehow it touches the lives of someone and makes a difference.